Embracing Biblical Patriarchy in the Home Part 1
And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.
-Colossians 3:17-19, ESV
I’m back after a long hiatus. Since my last post in February, I have gotten engaged, married, and started life together with my wonderful wife and now editor, Janell. Since I am head of my own household, it’s time to dive back into our series on biblical patriarchy. Last time, we saw that biblical patriarchy is not inherently oppressive but is a massive blessing when patriarchs obey Christ. God established every human institution as a biblical patriarchy, and Christ is restoring each to that state.
We will look at each in turn, starting with the home, or household. A household consists of any group who lives together, depends on each other, and shares common life goals. The most common household consists of a husband, wife, and children, but households could also include extended family or others who have become like family. This post will focus on the core of the household—the husband and wife—while the next will extend to the rest of the household. Future posts will show how biblical patriarchy extends to the church and society.
Biblical Patriarchy Summarized
Recall that patriarchy is any hierarchy ruled by a father figure who bears certain responsibilities for specific people and exercises the associated authority over them. The biblical concept of patriarchy is right and good when that father figure recognizes God as the ultimate patriarch and submits to Him in obedience. Patriarchy is misused when a man sees himself as the ultimate patriarch rather than submitting to the Good Patriarch.
Biblical patriarchy begins with God placing men in certain positions over others, giving them responsibilities over those people, and delegating to them the authority required to fulfil those responsibilities. God expects those in a place of submission to acknowledge that responsibility and authority by honoring and obeying their patriarchs. The first patriarchy God established was the household.
Headship in Marriage
The household begins with marriage, and marriage begins with God appointing the man as patriarch. Listen to how Paul starts out his exhortation to husbands and wives: “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior” (Ephesians 5:22-23). It is easy to focus on the submission of verse 22 and miss the reason for that submission in verse 23—the husband is the head of his wife just as Christ is the Head of the Church. This is not a command but a statement of fact.[1]When I made my marriage vows, I took on the office of husband and therefore cannot escape headship—just like every husband before me. Doug Wilson makes the implications of this clear:
Marriage is defined in part as the headship of a husband over a wife. In other words, without this headship, there is no marriage …. Because the husband is the head of the wife, he finds himself in a position of inescapable leadership. He cannot successfully refuse to lead. If he attempts to abdicate in some way, he may, through his rebellion, lead poorly. But no matter what he does or where he goes, he does so as the head of his wife.
-Douglas Wilson, Reforming Marriage, 24 [emphasis original]
As head, every husband will be held accountable to God for how he executes the God-given duties of that office. It is important to stress what this means for wives. When Janell made her wedding vows, she acknowledged that God had appointed me as her head, placing her under my care and authority. God will hold her accountable for how she executes her God-given duties to me. By making wedding vows, every wife before her has likewise acknowledged her husband’s headship over her.
Since a husband’s headship over his wife reflects Christ’s headship over the Church, rejecting a husband’s headship over his home is tantamount to rejecting Christ’s headship over the Church. Unsurprisingly, many churches that have rejected biblical patriarchy have likewise rejected the authority of Christ. They have replaced the true Christ of Scripture with a watered-down, effeminate false god.[2] They worship this golden calf as savior and thereby refuse to submit to the true Christ as Lord. Men in these churches have few examples of biblical headship and therefore tend to lead their own wives poorly. No wonder so many wives in these churches refuse to submit to their husbands. However, as much as it may cause women to squirm, a husband’s headship is inescapable.
The Husband’s Responsibility
The husband’s headship should cause men to squirm too… because headship comes with inescapable responsibility. God has placed every wife under her husband’s care and holds him responsible for her well-being. This is clear from Paul’s command to husbands:
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.
-Ephesians 5:25-30, ESV
The husband’s sacrificial love is to mirror Christ’s love for the Church. Christ took ultimate responsibility by bearing our sin and accomplishing our salvation. He gave Himself for us and continues to nurture and cherish us, which is how husbands are commanded to love their wives. The husband’s love involves shouldering responsibility for his wife. According to Doug Wilson, being a husband “means that men, whether through tyranny or abdication, are responsible for any problems in the home”.[3] This is seen in The Fall when God addressed Adam even though Eve was the first to eat. God held Adam responsible for Eve, and He has held husbands responsible for their wives ever since. Men, like Adam, have often tried and failed to escape that responsibility.
This responsibility means that a husband must consider his wife in every decision he makes. For example, if he is contemplating a job change that will require relocation, he needs to listen to his wife’s concerns and make the decision that is best for the entire household. This goes far beyond ensuring the new job would provide for the family financially. When considering his wife, a husband must determine if it is wise to remove her from her current church and community. He must ensure he is moving her to a good church and community. When I married Janell, she gave up a wonderful church and close proximity to family. While I ultimately have authority over how often we visit her family, I must consider her potential homesickness just as much as the cost of plane tickets. If a husband is not considering his entire household in every decision he makes, he is failing to uphold his God-given responsibility.
The Husband’s Authority
Many would agree that men need to step up and accept responsibility for the women around them, but they often want to withhold the authority that must accompany that responsibility. Responsibility cannot exist without authority. If God appoints a man as head over his wife and holds him responsible for her, He implicitly gives that man authority over her too.
As with all human authority, that authority is limited to what is required for the man to obey God. The more responsibility God gives a man, the more authority He gives him along with it. Civil authorities have the responsibility to care for their people by rewarding good and punishing evil, so God gives them the authority to make laws, punish those justly condemned for breaking those laws, defend their people from invasion, and levy the taxes required to accomplish this (Romans 13:1-7). God gives bosses the responsibility to care for their employees while at work, so they have authority to enforce standards to that end (Ephesians 6:9). God gives pastors the responsibility of caring for the spiritual health of their congregants, so they have authority over them in matters related to that (1 Peter 5:1-5). A husband has much greater responsibility for and authority over his wife than civil magistrates, bosses, pastors, and her parents and in-laws.
A boss once told me, “Always assume the authority to do your job”. Yet husbands today are expected to do their most important job without authority. Sans this God-given authority, it is just as impossible for men to obey God and fulfill their responsibilities as it was for the Israelites to make bricks without straw (Exodus 5). In frustration, many men are fleeing from such churches, giving up on marriage altogether, and flocking to godless men like Andrew Tate. To reverse this trend, we must recognize the authority God gives to husbands. While the wife can and should provide input, she is to follow—dare I say, obey—her husband so long as she would not be sinning in doing so.
The Wife’s Authority
While the husband has authority over the home, he does not have sole authority in the home. Paul tells Timothy, “So I would have younger widows marry, bear children, manage their households, and give the adversary no occasion for slander” (1 Timothy 5:14). Wives are commanded to manage their homes, and God will hold them accountable for how they fulfill this responsibility. This means He gives the required authority. The Greek for “manage their households” is literally “be home despots”, so a wife has authority in the home and is expected to wield it.
When Janell said “I do”, she took on the responsibility of managing our home, so she has authority to establish policies and processes toward that end. When she implements systems to protect our upstairs carpets from dirty shoes or keep our dishes organized, she is using her God-given authority. I still have authority over the household, so I have veto power. However, I must be very careful how I exercise that veto power to avoid hindering her ability to do her job of managing our home. I need to abide by the expectations my wife has set because I need to affirm her authority in the home.
A wife also has authority over her husband’s body, just as he has authority over hers (1 Corinthians 7:4). This is primarily in the context of marital intimacy, but my wife’s authority over my body extends beyond that to include things like updating my wardrobe and insisting I go to the doctor. When she does these things, she is acting within her authority as my suitable helper, so I must recognize her authority just as she must recognize mine.
Furthermore, God has given a wife authority over her children, since they are commanded to honor and obey their father and mother (Exodus 20:12, Ephesians 6:1-2). While the husband is ultimately responsible for the household and raising the children, he would be foolish and unloving to not leverage his wife’s wisdom and talents, such as implementing discipline or choosing school curriculum. As his suitable helper, she is attuned to her children’s needs in a very unique, feminine way, so he neglects her counsel to the family’s peril. While a husband retains authority and responsibility over his children, he is right to appropriately delegate authority to his wife.
The Wife’s Submission
This brings us to the topic of submission. We owe submission to all whom God has placed over us as far as their authority extends. The Church submits to Christ totally because He has total authority. All human authority is limited, so submission is owed up to those limits. When Paul commands wives to submit to their husbands “in everything” (Ephesians 5:24), he means they are to submit to their husbands within the bounds of their authority. As we saw here, that means the wife must respect her husband in all circumstances and obey him unless that obedience would be sinful.
No one has the authority to sin or compel others to sin, so a wife must not follow her husband into sin. Some sins are obvious, like abuse and neglect. In such cases, a wife is submitting to her husband when she reports him to the elders or civil authorities, because she is seeking his ultimate good. In cases that are not so clear, a wife should be prayerful and careful in her response. The fact that Scripture commands wives to submit to their husbands means that a wife must have clear scriptural warrant not to follow him.
If a husband doesn’t love his wife well, is he unworthy of her submission? As a sinner, he is unworthy of her submission. And as a sinner, she is unworthy of his love. The Gospel is God blessing unworthy people by joining them to Himself, and marriage is God blessing unworthy people by joining them to each other. A wife must submit to her husband because God commands it, not because he is worthy of it. A husband must sacrificially love his wife because God commands it, not because she is worthy of it. Doug Wilson put it this way: “Our obedience is not to rest on the obedience of our spouse. And it is always good for us to remember that God requires our spouse to render to us far more than any of us deserve.”[4]
Submission and Sin
This plays out practically in many ways, so an example is helpful. I have authority over how Janell dresses within biblical standards of modesty. I could dictate styles, such as wearing dresses to church or avoiding certain colors. Biblical submission would require her to adhere to that decision. However, I do not have authority to command her to dress immodestly because she would be sinning if she obeyed. Nevertheless, Scripture still commands her to submit to me. How could she avoid the sin of rebellion while also avoiding the sin of immodesty?
The church discipline process of Matthew 18 gives us the biblical method for confronting sin. Scripture also gives us a wonderful example of how to respectfully confront superiors when Daniel and his friends were compelled to eat unclean food (Daniel 1). Having first established a reputation of excellence and trustworthiness, they came up with a solution that considered the concerns of their superiors while avoiding sin. This allowed them to respectfully present that solution and continue to obey their superiors as much as possible without sin. God expects the same of us when following our superiors would be sinful.
If I commanded Janell to dress immodestly, she would start by determining that there was no way she could obey me without sinning. She would then respectfully tell me how my command was sinful. If I persisted, she would need to appeal to the authority of the men God has appointed over me—the church elders—who would then confront me. If I resisted them, the formal church discipline process would begin.
Facing Danger
What about situations that are not sinful but still dangerous? Life is filled with dangers such that a wise and loving husband may lead his wife into risky situations out of necessity or for greater good. When Paul commanded wives to submit to their husbands as the Church submits to Christ, he did so from prison. In our comfortable society, it is easy to forget that hardship and persecution have always been normal for the Church. Christ is still infinitely sovereign and good as He leads us through trials, and He knows exactly what He is doing. We can rest assured that every hardship we endure is ultimately for His glory and our good. While no human husband can guarantee that, a godly husband reflects Christ well when he leads his wife through trials wisely and gently with boldness and purpose.
Unfortunately, husbands often put their wives at risk through their own negligence and folly. That makes submission much more difficult, but just as Paul gives no caveat saying husbands don’t need to love their wives in difficult circumstances, he gives no caveat saying wives don’t need to submit to their husbands in difficult circumstances. Neither does Peter:
Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear—but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.
-1 Peter 3:1-6, ESV
Not only is a wife still required to submit when her husband is not leading well, but her submission is her God-given strategy for addressing her husband’s sin and folly. She is to win him over with respectful and pure conduct that flows from a gentle and quiet spirit. She must honor him because he is her husband, even when she must not follow him into sin. She like Sarah can follow him without fear because her trust is ultimately in God not her husband. When patiently applied over time, this submission has incredible power to influence a man. Nagging, fretting, quarreling, and being disrespectful will have the opposite effect.
Conclusion
Ultimately, marriage is the headship of a husband over his wife, meaning that he bears immense responsibility for her and she is to submit to that headship. This is what biblical patriarchy looks like in marriage, and we should expect God to bless us as we obey Him in it. Next time, we will extend biblical patriarchy to the entire household.
NOTES
[1] Douglas Wilson, Reforming Marriage, Moscow, ID: Canon Press: 2005: 23-24.
[2] Zachary M. Garris, Masculine Christianity, Ann Arbor, MI: Reformation Zion Publishing: 2021: 98.
[3] Douglas Wilson, Reforming Marriage, Moscow, ID: Canon Press: 2005: 34.
[4] Douglas Wilson, Reforming Marriage, Moscow, ID: Canon Press: 2005: 29.
