The commandment “Do not murder” sounds so ridiculously simple… That is until you actually begin applying it. And when we do that work with any level of honesty, it is not very long before we begin to notice the blood that has stained our own hands.
The Westminster Larger Catechism says the sixth commandment requires us to preserve life through love, compassion, gentleness, peaceable speech, forgiveness, comfort, and protection. It not only forbids outright homicide, but also defines murder in two very interesting ways. First, in what we withhold. According to the Scriptures and our confession, murder occurs when you withhold any means or ends that are needed to preserve life. It also defines murder, not just in the taking of life, or the withholding of life, but in the murderous behaviors we all do, that Jesus qualifies are no different than murder. This means, a murder occurs when we have sinful anger, hatred, envy, or pursue revenge. We commit murder when we use provoking words, oppression, quarreling, striking, wounding, and “whatsoever else tends to the destruction of the life of any.” That is the standard.
And this becomes even more excruciating, convicting, and humiliating when we turn that lens of what murder is upon our homes. When we look in the kitchen, the bedroom, the car, the text thread, the argument that began over nothing and ended with two people lying awake in the dark. When we look at all of these interactions, within our marriages, we have every reason to believe we are no better than a serial killer, murdering again and again with no regard to the law of God.
Let me give you an example. And remember, if you hate your spouse, are angry with them, or use harsh words against them, Jesus says you are a murderer (Matthew 5:21 to 22; 1 John 3:15)… Which means this category is not made up by me, or by the reformers, our Lord says this is how most marital homicides occur!
You may never have raised a weapon against your spouse. I pray to God that you have not! BUT… have you raised your voice until your words tore through them like a Gatling gun? Have you called them stupid, useless, pathetic, crazy, impossible, or worthless? Have you used curse words to describe them? Have you mocked and maligned them? Have you said, “I wish I had never married you,” or “You make my life miserable,” or “Nobody else would put up with you”? Have you taken the deepest wounds your husband or wife carry, and then used them as ammunition to beat them? Have you dragged out an old failure or past sin to embarrass them, punish them, or make them sorry for annoying you?
In a court of law, you did not slit your husband’s throat nor spill your wife’s blood, but you aimed a heart filled with murder at their heart and angrily pulled the trigger.
Perhaps you are not the kind to shout. Maybe your weapon is colder. Maybe you are the kind of person who can freeze a room over with silence… The kind of silence that is not humble, that is not attempting to reestablish the peace, but the kind of silence that is very intentional punishment.
Have you withheld affection to make your spouse crawl back to you? Have you stonewalled? Refused to answer, refused to look, refused to comfort, refused to forgive, all while making them guess how long this death sentence is going to last.
You can turn the marriage bed into a bargaining table, tenderness into a reward system, and the home into a courtroom where your spouse is always on trial and you are always the prosecuting attorney and the judge.
Do you couch your sin in excusable words, such as: “needing space,” “making a point,” “setting a boundary” or simply “I am not letting them get away with it anymore.” And while none of those are wrong outright, they are murderous behaviors when arising from a murderous heart!
If you are nursing hatred, stewing in bitterness, fantasizing revenge, or starving your spouse of kindness in order to make them suffer, the Scriptures and the Catechism have a name for what you are doing: And that name is murder.
And sometimes the murder is loud enough for the neighbors to hear. Sometimes that murder comes when you put a hand to your spouse and shove them! Sometimes the weapon is a slammed door in your husband’s face. Sometimes the bullets are broken glass from that time you threw the cup. Sometimes the bloodshed comes from when you put your fist through the drywall. Sometimes the loss of life occurs when you are blocking the exit, putting a hand around the throat, or brandishing your strength as a means of intimidation.
Do not call these things “just a bad fight.” Do not rename intimidation as passion or violence as leadership. Striking, wounding, threatening, and endangering your spouse are not ordinary marital failures. They are sins against the sixth commandment; they are murder.
But there are also quieter ways you can kill each other. For instance, if you know your spouse is ill, yet you mock their symptoms, delay giving them help, or refuse to care for them, you are withholding life and performing murder.
Maybe you control the money so tightly that they cannot obtain the things they need to sustain them. Maybe you have driven them around in your car while you were drunk, placing their lives frivolously in your hands. The Catechism forbids neglecting or withdrawing the lawful and necessary means of preserving life as a sixth commandment violation. It does not ask whether you meant to kill them. It asks whether you treated their life as if it were worth less than it is. If yes, you are a killer.
And if that were not bad enough… It is not just about the behaviors we do… Murder lives in the secret recesses, the hidden bogs of the heart! Your envy of your spouse’s attention, your paralyzing need for success or validation, your prioritization of your friendships over him, or your happiness over her, are all applications of “You shall not murder.” Your resenting of every kindness they receive. Your fantasizing about them suffering, being humiliated, or disappearing from your life. Your keeping of a ledger of injuries and an ever ready commitment to polish every grievance until it shines like a katana sword. All of that is murder! You are allowing your heart to hate the person you have vowed to love.
And this goes all the way down into our appetites. We can drink until our spouses have to deal with our anger. We can spend the money needed for the household on our own carnal pleasures. You can sneak around on websites killing your wife’s self-esteem, fueling sinful betrayals, and leaving a pool of blood with every click! You work so incessantly that your spouse and children receive only the exhausted scraps of your attention because you were too busy killing it with your ambition. You can consume recreation, entertainment, or comfort without restraint and leave your spouse to carry the burdens you promised to share, causing her to slowly die under your pisspoor leadership.
The Catechism even warns against immoderate use of food, drink, labor, and recreation. The body and life entrusted to you are not yours to abuse, and your spouse should not be required to absorb the wreckage of your bad decisions.
It is simply not enough to say: “I have never strangled my spouse.” That may be true. But Scripture does not allow us to use this escape hatch to avoid real accountability. The command reaches the heart, the tongue, the hand, the habits, and every practice that tends toward the destruction of life.
So ask yourself plainly: What did you say this week that made your spouse feel despised? What did you withhold to make them hurt? What resentment did you rehearse? What protection did you refuse to provide? Where did you sinfully use your strength, your silence, your money, your anger, or your knowledge of their weakness to make life harder and darker for the person joined to you as one flesh?
Remember dear ones, Christ searches every nook and cranny of our soul. He has heard the contempt behind the joke, He has seen you fantasizing about revenge behind your silence, and He alone weighs the anger we are so prone to justify.
And who among us can say, “I have loved my spouse this week with all of my charitable thoughts, mild speech, patient forgiveness, comfort, and protection”? Who can say, “I have never made my spouse bear the cost of my bitterness”? Who can say, “I have not wounded the one I promised to cherish”? None of us. Not even one.
And if you are not married, substitute everything I just said for your father, your mother, your brother, your sister, your neighbor, or even the ways in which you treat yourself.
We all are exposed and holding the smoking gun. We all have gone astray; we have all turned aside and together become unprofitable (Romans 3:12). We all left church last week, praising God for His forgiveness, only to spit in His face through our rebellion. And because all of us are exposed, all of us ought to approach our thrice holy God with humility and trepidation.
If the commandment has exposed you, do not defend yourself with softer names. Confess your anger as anger, your cruelty as cruelty, your neglect as neglect, your hatred as hatred. The sixth commandment requires more than feeling sorry for the wounds we have made. It calls us to stop inflicting them, and to become, by God’s grace, a life giver instead of a life taker.
