The Goal Is Not Obedient Children
The goal of Christian parenting is not obedient children.
Now, before someone calls my consistory and reports that I have finally become an antinomian, let me explain. Children must obey their parents. God commands it plainly: “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right” (Ephesians 6:1). Obedience is right. Disobedience is sin. Parents who refuse to require obedience are not gracious, gentle, or enlightened. They are disobedient parents raising disobedient children while congratulating themselves for breaking the cycle.
So, yes, Christian parents must require obedience. We must correct defiance, confront lying, discipline rebellion, and teach our children to honor authority. A three-year-old does not need to “find his voice” while screaming at his mother. He has found his voice. The problem is that he is using it like a tiny drunken Viking.
But obedience is not the final goal of Christian parenting. Wisdom is.
There is an enormous difference between raising a child who obeys because someone bigger is standing over him and forming a child who has learned to love what is true, choose what is good, and govern himself beneath the lordship of Jesus Christ. One child behaves because Dad is in the room. The other behaves because the fear of the Lord has entered his heart. One child requires constant external pressure. The other is gradually developing internal conviction. One child has learned how to avoid punishment. The other is learning how to avoid folly. Both children may look obedient at the dinner table, but only one of them is becoming wise.
THE BIBLICAL GOAL
Solomon tells us:
“The rod and rebuke give wisdom, But a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.” - Proverbs 29:15
Notice what Solomon does not say. He does not say that the rod and rebuke give parents five uninterrupted minutes of peace. He does not say they make children less annoying in public. He does not say they produce a child who smiles pleasantly, speaks when spoken to, and never embarrasses his mother in the checkout line. He says they give wisdom.
That means biblical discipline is aimed at something far greater than immediate compliance. We are not merely trying to stop bad behavior. We are laboring to form a particular kind of person. The question is not simply, “How do I make this child stop lying?” The deeper question is, “How do I form this child into a man who loves the truth?” We are not merely asking, “How do I make my daughter stop complaining?” We are asking, “How do I form her into a woman who receives God’s providence with gratitude?” We are not merely asking, “How do I get my son to finish his chores?” We are asking, “How do I raise a man who sees work as worship, finishes what he starts, and does not need another adult standing over him with a cattle prod?”
Behavior modification asks, “How do I make this stop?” Biblical formation asks, “Who is this child becoming?” That is the difference.
A WELL-BEHAVED FOOL IS STILL A FOOL
Christian parents can become so desperate for orderly homes that we mistake silence for holiness. But quiet is not the same thing as wise. A child staring into a tablet for six hours may cause very little trouble. So does a houseplant. That does not mean either one is growing in the fear and admonition of the Lord.
A child can learn to avoid certain behaviors without ever learning to hate the sin beneath them. He can learn not to lie when the evidence is overwhelming. He can learn not to steal when cameras are present. He can learn not to speak disrespectfully when Dad is within earshot. He can even learn enough Christian vocabulary to sound impressive at youth group. But if he only behaves when consequences are near, then wisdom has not yet taken root. He has not learned righteousness. He has learned surveillance.
This is why Scripture continually reaches beyond our outward actions and lays claim to the heart. Solomon says, “My son, give me your heart, and let your eyes observe my ways” (Proverbs 23:26). He does not merely want his son’s hands. He wants his heart. Solomon knows that if the heart learns to love wisdom, the hands will eventually follow. But if the heart remains foolish, external compliance will last only as long as external control.
Eventually, every child leaves the room. Eventually, Dad will not be standing there. Eventually, Mom will not be checking the browser history, examining the bank account, supervising the friendship, or asking where he has been. Eventually, our children will possess enough freedom to reveal what we actually formed in them. Then we will discover whether they merely learned to obey our rules or whether they learned to fear the Lord.
THE ROD AND THE REBUKE
God gives parents two instruments in Proverbs 29:15: the rod and the rebuke. The rebuke gives instruction. It identifies the foolishness, exposes the lie, explains the command, and points the child toward what is good. The rod gives consequence. It teaches that foolishness hurts. Children need both because words without consequences can become background noise, while consequences without words become meaningless pain. One teaches the child what folly is. The other teaches him that folly has teeth.
But neither tool was given so that irritated parents could vent their anger upon smaller people. The rod is not the unhinged hand of a father who has lost control of himself. An angry man may strike his child, but he cannot call it biblical discipline merely because Solomon used the word “rod.” The angry hand does not form wisdom. It teaches children that powerful people are permitted to hurt weaker people whenever they become sufficiently irritated.
Biblical discipline is measured, prompt, calm, intelligible, and governed by love. Wise hands wound like the hands of a surgeon: carefully, deliberately, and always with healing as their aim. The purpose is not parental relief. The purpose is the child’s good.
This is why Paul commands fathers, “Do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4). God does not tell fathers merely to control their children. He commands us to bring them up in something: the training and admonition of the Lord. Biblical discipline is discipleship.
When your child lies, you do not merely announce the sentence. You teach him that God is truth, that Satan is the father of lies, that lying attacks fellowship, and that Christ is worthy of honest lips. When your child refuses to work, you do not merely bark louder. You teach him that God works, that man was made to labor, that laziness consumes what diligence builds, and that faithful work offered to Christ is never wasted. When your child sins against a sibling, you do not merely force him to mumble “sorry” while staring at the floor like a hostage reading enemy propaganda. You teach him to name his sin, ask forgiveness without excuses, make restitution where necessary, and pursue genuine reconciliation.
We are not merely restraining foolishness. We are forming wisdom.
OBEDIENCE MUST GROW UP
When children are young, obedience is necessarily simple and immediate. A toddler cannot comprehend a forty-minute lecture on the moral theology of parking lots. When his father says, “Stop,” he needs to stop before a Toyota sends him to glory. But as children mature, our instruction should mature with them. We are not trying to produce seventeen-year-olds who still require the same external management they needed at seven. Responsibility must gradually move out of our hands and into theirs.
At first, we tell them to clean the mess. Eventually, they should notice the mess without being told. At first, we tell them to apologize. Eventually, they should feel conviction and seek reconciliation themselves. At first, we open the Bible for them. Eventually, they should open it without us. At first, we regulate their appetites. Eventually, they must learn to govern their own bodies. At first, we carry nearly everything. Then, little by little, we place more weight into their hands.
This is what maturity looks like. Maturity is not merely getting older, growing taller, or developing a surprisingly expensive appetite. Maturity is the increasing ability to carry responsibility faithfully before God. A newborn carries nothing. A mature man may carry work, money, marriage, children, ministry, hardship, grief, and responsibility for generations beneath him. If nothing heavier is being placed into our children’s hands, they are not maturing. They are merely aging.
The goal, therefore, is not perpetual dependence upon our commands. The goal is willing self-government beneath God’s commands. We want children who tell the truth when lying would be profitable, work when no one is applauding, resist temptation when no filter is watching, confess sin before they are caught, and serve without being begged. We want children who open Scripture because they hunger for wisdom and obey Christ because they love Christ. That is far greater than mere compliance.
YOU CANNOT SPANK YOUR CHILD INTO ELECTION
At this point, we must acknowledge the limitation of every parental tool. The rod can restrain foolishness, but it cannot create a new heart. Rebuke can expose sin, but it cannot raise a sinner from spiritual death. Family worship can fill a child’s mind with Scripture, but it cannot force the Spirit of God to regenerate him.
Christian parents are responsible to teach, correct, discipline, model, pray, sing, worship, and place Christ before their children. We must do this eagerly, consistently, and with covenantal hope. God ordinarily works through means, and faithful parenting is one of the ordinary means He has appointed. But we cannot parent a child into the kingdom by the sheer force of our competence.
Some parents appear to believe that if they discover the correct homeschool curriculum, enforce the proper dress code, eliminate every bad influence, memorize enough catechism questions, and administer discipline at precisely the right angle, salvation will eventually pop out of the child like toast. It will not. Salvation belongs to the Lord.
Our children do not merely need improved behavior. They need new hearts. They need the Spirit of God to take away the heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh. They need to be united to Christ, washed in His blood, clothed in His righteousness, and raised into newness of life. That does not make discipline unnecessary. It reveals why discipline is insufficient. We use every tool God has commanded, but our confidence is never in the tool. Our confidence is in the God who uses it.
THE OBEDIENT SON
This is also where the gospel becomes beautiful. We have not parented perfectly. We have been harsh when we should have been gentle, distracted when we should have been attentive, passive when we should have acted, and angry when we should have been calm. We have indulged what we should have corrected and corrected what we should have patiently endured. We have sometimes demanded obedience from our children while excusing disobedience in ourselves. If the future of our families depended entirely upon the faithfulness of our hands, none of us would have any reason to hope.
But God sent a perfectly obedient Son.
Jesus did not merely appear righteous when Joseph was watching. He did not obey only when consequences were near. He loved His Father with all His heart, soul, mind, and strength. He obeyed in private and public, in hunger and suffering, before cheering crowds and murderous enemies. Where Adam rebelled, Christ obeyed. Where Israel grumbled, Christ trusted. Where we have failed, Christ remained faithful.
Then the only perfectly obedient Son received the chastisement deserved by disobedient sons and daughters. Isaiah declares, “The chastisement for our peace was upon Him, and by His stripes we are healed” (Isaiah 53:5). Christ bore the rod our rebellion deserved. He received the wrath of God so that rebellious children could be forgiven, adopted, and brought home.
Christ did not rise from the dead merely to produce better-behaved sinners. He rose to give us new life. He gives His Spirit, writes His law upon our hearts, and teaches us to obey from the heart. That is what we want for our children.
We do not want children who merely know how to perform when Christians are watching, who master the family rules while secretly despising the family’s God, or who appear polished, pleasant, and impressive while their hearts remain untouched by Christ. We want sons and daughters who are wise, who fear the Lord, who love what God loves and hate what God hates. We want children who govern their appetites, confess their sins, receive correction, work with their hands, worship with gladness, and gladly spend their lives serving the kingdom of Jesus Christ.
So require obedience. Correct disobedience. Use the rod faithfully and the rebuke diligently. But do not aim so low as to raise children who merely do what they are told. By the Word of God, through the ordinary means He has appointed, and in utter dependence upon the Holy Spirit, labor to raise children who love what they have been told.
The goal is not merely obedient children. The goal is wise men and women who joyfully obey Christ long after our hands have returned to dust.
